Merry Christmas, batteries not included

It's Christmas morning and Tab A goes into Slot A.

The front wheel of the bicycle goes in front and the rear wheel doesn't. Save all manuals for future reference.

Batteries are not included. Batteries are never included. Batteries are optional, at extra cost. Christmas morning is not optional.

It's Christmas morning, and partial assembly is required. Don't forget to fetch the tool box from the cellar. Doesn't work? Don't force it. You'll strip the threads.

It's Christmas morning and there are no lumps of coal in the stockings. There are robots and Go-bots and Auto-bots. Some robots transform into dinosaurs, some robots transform into Mack trucks and some robots transform into jet planes. They can come in mighty handy.

Teddy Ruxpin is a bear that talks and A.G. Bear is a bear that grunts. Teddy Ruxpin takes four C batteries. A.G. Bear takes one 9V battery. They are not compatible.

Remember, an AA battery is not the same thing as an AAA battery. Alkaline is a battery and Al Kaline is a baseball player.

It's Christmas morning, and Tab A goes into Slot A.

Put the wrapping paper in the fireplace, but save the boxes and the tags and the sales slips. You will need them tomorrow.

Brother Larry sent you an L instead of an XL. Sister Ann sent you 16-33 instead of 17-35. Save the box. Save the tag. Save the receipt. Save the little Styrofoam balls. Look, one just rolled under the sofa. Better go get it.

It's Christmas morning, and VHS is not compatible with Beta. Thirty-five millimeter is not compatible with 110. Compact disks are not compatible with records. HO trains are not compatible with O-gauge trains.

Ice skates are not compatible with roller skates.

Keep the game pieces in the proper box. The little doggie is from the Monopoly set. The little horsie is from the chess set. The little wrench is from the Clue set.

They're incompatible, too. The wrench cannot give checkmate and Colonel Mustard cannot do it in the study with the doggie.

It's Christmas morning. There is no hearth without a fire, no chute without a ladder, no Barbie without a Ken.

For God's sake, don't lose anything. Where's the primary supporting bracket? Where's the auxiliary restraining strap? Where's the little rubber thing? That little rubber thing that just rolled under the coffee table is supposed to stop your kid's Strat-o-Cruiser when it's going down Russian Hill at 30 miles an hour. Better go find it.

Don't forget to mail in the warranty card. How did you first hear about the Automatic Grammitasator? Magazine? Newspaper? TV? What's your annual income? Are you sure? Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Mickey Mouse Club?

It's Christmas morning. Only a few more hours and it will be time to put the ornaments back in the box and drag the tree to the curb and vacuum the needles.

Not just yet. Wait for the kids to wake up first.

It's Christmas morning and Tab A goes into Slot A.

..........................
Steve Rubenstein's Merry Christmas, batteries not included - Steve Rubenstein
This article first appeared in The Chronicle on Dec. 25, 1985. ©2006 San Francisco Chronicle

Hell Explained by Chemistry Student

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives 2 possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student received the only "A".

12 -- 13 -- 14

A visiting scholar, lecturing on 'How Many Philosophical Positions Are There In Principle?' began, "In principle, there are precisely twelve philosophical positions ..." "Thirteen!" called out a voice from the audience. "There are," repeated the lecturer, "Exactly twelve positions; no more, no less!" "Thirteen!" called out the voice. "I shall proceed," said the irked lecturer. "The first position is sometimes called 'naive realism,' in that it is the view by which, more or less, all things are very much the way they seem to be ..." "Oh!" interrupted the voice from the audience, "Fourteen!"

--a philosophy joke from Jerry Fodor in an issue of The London Review:

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.